Just when things couldn't get any weirder in Colorado, thieves have taken up stealing shrubbery.

The photo above was captured this morning (August 20, 2019). The crime scene involves the theft of one shrub. Do you see the gap between the shrub on the left and the shrub on the right? It wasn't like that 24 hours ago. Who does that?

Seriously, during the dead of night, someone actually risked jail time to steal one bush. This happened at my buddy Dave's house right here in Colorado. I'm no expert, but judging by the surrounding shrubbery, the purloined bush looks comparable to the kind I buy at Lowe's for $5.99.

Why would someone do this? Kleptomania? Gang initiation ritual? Peer pressure? They were in desperate need of a bush, and due to financial limitations felt there was no alternative but to steal from someone else?

My great-grandmother used to steal the silverware, salt and pepper shakers, and all the little packets of jelly when I'd take her to a restaurant. This business of stealing bushes is about twenty times tackier than that.

This gives all new meaning to the term "porch bandit." I thought stealing people's Amazon deliveries was pitiful. This takes it to an all-new level. Be sure to lock up your bushes at night.